happinessoverhaul

DO NOT EVER MESS WITH THE "CURSED HOW'S" (like I did)

I vibed low all day yesterday and today.
I cried, I felt completely down, depressed, blue, whatever you may call it. Out of sync. It started last weekend, when I received some upsetting news from Holland. Then came Monday. My husband went to work, the kids left for school and I was left behind with nothing but the dishes, the laundry, the taxes and the most overwhelming sense of loss. The miscarriage is over. It's gone. I'm drained.

Melodramatic and like a terrible actress in a B-movie, I let myself slide down onto the kitchen floor and I sobbed and sobbed until I realized that it was really cold on those tiles.

Oh... who am I kidding?

• I so ate the M&M's. 
• I drank wine.
• I cried and cried some more. Then I yelled at my husband and blamed him for my stagnant life.
• I moped around the house all day.
• I googled "blighted ovum" and recurrent miscarriage and other sad stories of other sad women, until I reached the very last page of the world wide web
• I cried some more.
• I tortured myself by thinking of all the babies born to friends in the last few years, while I was having five flippin’ miscarriages in a row.
• I felt really sorry for myself that all my friends are going away for the winter break next week, while I am left behind on this God-forgotten island with nothing to look forward to
• I deeply hated my blog all of a sudden. I don't want to ‘try to be happy’ and I don't want feel committed to anything. I just want to feel miserable. 
• Then I cried some more, because really... nobody even bothers to read this blog anyway.
• I cried some more.
• I fell asleep at 9.00 pm drained and exhausted.
• I didn't brush my teeth. After all those M&M's.