happinessoverhaul

I'm doing FAN-TAS-TIC.

Well, that was it... today the miscarriage finally started. It's painful - both physically and emotionally, but it's still better than the D&C the doctor had scheduled for me for this coming Tuesday.

You would think that I would cry all day, right, this being the fifth f*#^%ing loss in a row. But I didn't even have the time to feel sorry for myself. Between cleaning up my daughter's puke in MY bed and driving my stepson to the ENT doctor, picking up snotty tissues and peeling oranges, sewing her dance costume for this weekend and cooking diner, I just tried to breath through it all.

I got a phone call from somebody, who was actually looking for my husband. "How are you?" he asked kindley. I shrugged my shoulders, about to say "f.i.n.e".

Then I remembered. And I replied: FAN-TAS-TIC! JUST GREAT.

It doesn't work yet. Guess it takes some practice.

Skinny Water: I know you wannit!

This borderline-depressed mood of mine has some unwelcome side effects ("what, you mean all the crying isn't enough?"). My face is looking 10 years older in one week, I am eating like a pig (how about a whole tin of these for breakfast?), I'm waking up at 2. am every morning and staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night and consequently I can't be bothered to take my depressed fat ass to the gym the next morning.

I threw my purple bracelet out of the car window!

Ai-ai-ai... yesterday was emotionally ugly. I can't remember when I last felt this lost! I cried so hard, so long, that I didn't even recognize my own face in the mirror at the end of the day. Today I feel depleted and drained. Numb. Which is better than the intense pain I felt yesterday.

Oh... who am I kidding?

• I so ate the M&M's. 
• I drank wine.
• I cried and cried some more. Then I yelled at my husband and blamed him for my stagnant life.
• I moped around the house all day.
• I googled "blighted ovum" and recurrent miscarriage and other sad stories of other sad women, until I reached the very last page of the world wide web
• I cried some more.
• I tortured myself by thinking of all the babies born to friends in the last few years, while I was having five flippin’ miscarriages in a row.
• I felt really sorry for myself that all my friends are going away for the winter break next week, while I am left behind on this God-forgotten island with nothing to look forward to
• I deeply hated my blog all of a sudden. I don't want to ‘try to be happy’ and I don't want feel committed to anything. I just want to feel miserable. 
• Then I cried some more, because really... nobody even bothers to read this blog anyway.
• I cried some more.
• I fell asleep at 9.00 pm drained and exhausted.
• I didn't brush my teeth. After all those M&M's.

Tool Tuesday: EFT (or: how to feel better without eating all the M&M's)

I had disappointing news today. I know, I know... this is a negative statement. 

“Isn't this blog all about you being positive, Jess, and about making happy changes because you are going to be so annoyingly positive all the time, so you can prove to us that it works? That if you just talk positive, think positive and expect positive, you will GET positive?”

That’s what it’s supposed to be about. But I am only human, just starting on this path of improvement and there will be trial and error. So, unless you have a more positive way to phrase the above message, I really don’t know how to avoid the negativity.

I had another ultrasound today. The hormones are still going up, my body is playing all sorts of tricks on me (complete with a morning sickness and fatigue) and to be honest… the psychics words did me in: I was hopeful again. I called the doctor and she agreed I needed another ultrasound today, to see if the empty sac was now actually showing signs of a growing baby.