Ai-ai-ai... yesterday was emotionally ugly. I can't remember when I last felt this lost! I cried so hard, so long, that I didn't even recognize my own face in the mirror at the end of the day. Today I feel depleted and drained. Numb. Which is better than the intense pain I felt yesterday.
Actually, I DO remember when I last felt this much despair. But at least 2 years ago - amidst all the grief - there was still a spark of hope. Surely this was a fluke. It was the first time it happened to me… profoundly heartbreaking, but humbling at the same time. Surely the next pregnancy would result in a healthy baby. The hurt was soothed by a tiny spark of hope in the back of my heart.
I have felt that pain four more times since. The pain of loss. Miscarriage. A dream falling apart. The loneliness. The jealousy. Resenting your own body. And with each loss, that spark of hope for “the next time” got a little less. Until, yesterday I realized that my hope has completely faded.
What is left, if you have no more hope?
I spiraled down really fast from there. Friends were talking
about tennis and their vacations. My husband was talking about work. The kids
about their respective sleepovers this weekend. And I felt INVISIBLE. Does
anybody even notice the struggle that I’m going through? Does anybody know that
my life currently revolves around bath room visits, looking for signs of
miscarriage? Does anybody see how torn I feel between the desire to have my
body back and the desire that the doctors are all wrong, that there IS still a
baby there. Does anybody understand how cruel it is that my body was not able
to hold on to the last 5 pregnancies, but now
it is fucking holding on to a miscarriage, making me feel like a pregnant woman
still? Does anybody even have the slightest idea that I see no current joy in
life? No tennis, vacations, or million dollars would make me happy. I just want
my babies back. My marriage back. Or at least: my body back.
My raging hormones, accumulated pain, anger and frustration were getting the best of me. My feelings were so intense, so raw, so real… Yesterday, I could actually understand how people do desperate things in desperate situations. For the record: I wouldn’t go down the mall and shoot 20 people, nor myself. We don’t even have a mall.
I apologize to my friends and family who had to see my like that yesterday. I feel a little better now. I know you don’t understand. But please respect the fact that I don’t want pills to suppress this. Don’t suggest it anymore. It’s just not me. I take it in stride. I see emotions as a learning tool, to get closer to who I really am. Apparently there is something I have to learn. Five times in a row. I don’t know if I will ever understand God and what she wants from me. But I know that one day I will enjoy the sun again. I will smile again. It might not be today. It might not be this year. This year, that I already consider “lost” in terms of becoming a parent…
My husband does not understand my pain at all. If I mention to him that I feel really sad that I won't become a parent in 2009 either, like I didn't become a parent in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 after trying, hoping, praying and desiring... he just shrugs his shoulders. What's another year right? We fight a lot. He doesn't understand why I can't just be happy and grateful for what I have.How am I to explain that I feel incomplete, amputated and like a female failure. How do I explain that I think of babies 50 times a day? How do I explain that the joy of life is sapping out of me with every month that I am further removed from my dream and closer to becoming too old? How do I explain that without hope - not even from the doctors - it takes more willpower than he will ever even know possible, just to get out of bed and face the world with a fake smile....
He just points at my purple bracelet. I took it off and threw it away.
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