I vibed low all day yesterday and today.
I cried, I felt completely down, depressed, blue, whatever you may call it. Out of sync. It started last weekend, when I received some upsetting news from Holland. Then came Monday. My husband went to work, the kids left for school and I was left behind with nothing but the dishes, the laundry, the taxes and the most overwhelming sense of loss. The miscarriage is over. It's gone. I'm drained.
Melodramatic and like a terrible actress in a B-movie, I let myself slide down onto the kitchen floor and I sobbed and sobbed until I realized that it was really cold on those tiles.
I got up eventually, but the crying didn't stop. I must have weeped for two days straight. And if I wasn't crying, I was yelling and stamping my feet ferociously about how unfair it is that I am the only one in this house emptying out the dishwasher.
Happy people don't care about emptying out the dishwasher, I bet. They might even whistle, while doing it. And saying their gratitude for HAVING a dishwasher.
May be that's where I go wrong already.
Yes, I have been virating LOWWWWW. I just couldn't find my re-set button.
You know what they say. Vibrate low energy and you will attract more crap negativity into your life. LAW OF ATTRACTION IS CONSTANTLY RESPONDING TO YOUR VIBRATION AND GIVING YOU MORE OF THE SAME.
Such an easy rule, so hard to apply.
And guess what: today I learned that the yearround rental that I want, the one that I have been visualizing and lusting over... well, it's not going to happen!
I'm not surprised.
Believe me: now I just want to cry some more and bitch about the lack of help with the dishwasher some more too. But I won't. It will only make matters worse. I know the seasonal clock is ticking. Where we live, on a vacation island - it will be sheer impossible to find a yearround rental once the summer season starts. Which is in about 2-3 more weeks. But what can I do?
1) panick and cry and see nothing but trouble on the horizon
Oh, how tempting! My heart is thisssss close to going ther, but my mind knows that surely this will be the recipe for disaster and will attract nothing but a cardboard box to me, at the most.
2) give up and ask my mom if my old room is still available
No offense, mom, dad, but that's not what I want at this point in my life. I want that house, boohoohoo....
3) or I can write down exactly what it is that I want, why I want it and leave it up to the Universe.
I need to learn to TRUST that all is well. I need to let go and KNOW that the Universe conspires of my behalf. That I don't have to PICK out the house, that the Universe will take care of that.
For now I will just find peace in the fact that I was messing with the "cursed hows" and that the Universe has something much better up her sleeve!
What are cursed how's?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I didn't come up with these words, my guru-crush Mike Dooley did:
When you dreams of ‘end results’, keep it general! If you dream of wealth and abundance, friends and laughter, health and harmony, then please, by all means attach yourself to them. Attach, attach and attach. There is no limit to what you can have and no reason to expect anything less.
But when your end results are specific, like your best friends husband, or a
specific home on Lamberts Cove Road, do not attach, do not attach, do not attach! Material details and specifics are always ‘how’ to get to a grander picture of your life and are never important in and of themselves.
They are "CURSED HOWS" disguised as end results and they are steps disguised as destinations. By all means, think of them, put them on your vision boards to remind yourself of the kind of possessions and adventures that are your birthright.
But do not give them a greater importance - through attachment - greater than what you are truly after. Because what you truly are after, is a fuller richer life with all cups running over. When this is your end goal, the details will take care of themselves.
In other words: you tell the Universe what you want as the end result. You want to have a partner, a husband, so you can feel complete, so you have somebody to come home to, to cook with, to laugh with, to share your life with. If it happens to be Joe who you have a major crush on, and you start visualizing your life with Joe. It has to be Joe, he is perfect for you, you want nobody else but him. You might end up really disappointed. Because Joe is a "cursed how". The Universe might have somebody much better in store for you, Joe is not the one. You will feel heartbroken, why is the Universe not responding. You are visualizing Joe in your bed, on your kitchen table, but Joe is dating Jane.
It was never Joe in the first place! The Universe has a much better match for you, but you had to control the details!
Once you meet John, though, you understand. You are deeply in love and wonder what you ever saw in Joe, why you ever begged the Universe to make it work with Joe. Poor Joe, nice guy, but he ain't John.
Or, like, in my case, with the new rental: I thought I wanted that house (actually, I still wouldn't mind!). I even put pictures of the house on my desktop! But I got to trust that there is an even better match out there for us. I should ONLY ask for the end result: a lovely house that makes me feel right at home, a house that is a reflection of my taste and of which I feel proud and would love to entertain in, have guests over, feel peaceful in, etc. A house that we can rent for unlimited time until we're ready to buy, a house that gives us joy and lasting, beautiful memories.
I don't have to give the Universe any more details (like the rental price, how many fire places I prefer or, uhm... the exact address). I just need to keep focusing on the end result. Like: the relief we feel when we find that house, in time.
I get it now. Except for.... how about a deadline? Would that be considered another "cursed how"?