Can I have a word with you?

Dear Universe,

This would be a good time to show me some lovin’! I have been a good girl, especially if you consider the tremendous amount of stress I’m under. I'm trying to live by all your rules. I know you don’t want me to focus on any negative aspects in my life, like eh… still waiting for my body to expel this invisible baby or eh… say…. the possibility of being homeless this summer. Just to name two of my current anxieties. Shit, I wonder if I’ll be ‘punished’ just for saying it. Miscarriage. Homeless. Recession. Depression. Bad words. Go wash your mouth. Go watch your vision board one hundred times. Write down your positive affirmations until your hand is blue and cramping. Whatever you do, do not vibrate negativity. Go be happy, dammit!

Brrrreatthe…. Aaaah… aaaah….

That’s better. Seriously, though, dear Universe, if you consider all these stress factors in my life right now, it’s a miracle that I am not locked up in a mental institution. I am trying SOOO hard to keep my spirits up, because you promised me that that’s the way to greater happiness. You promised me that the better I feel, the better it gets. And the better it gets, the better I feel. I understand the second part, but let’s just focus on the first part for now. When will it get better? I am trying to feel good but you sure aren’t making it easy on me.

I’m putting things into motion. I am walking the dog and soaking up the sunshine (while all I really wanted to do, is stay in bed and watch Bravo TV while eating my pain away). I’m visualizing until I’m dizzy (by the way, that visualizing is not that easy, it’s as hard as meditating, I get distracted!).
What else am I trying? Oh right, I'm practicing gratitude and I have left the TV off so no more negativity can pollute my spirit. I am trying to be aware of my negative words and thoughts. And every time I feel worry come up, I tell myself that the Universe has great things in store for me.

The question is, dear Universe, WHEN can I expect you to come through? I know that impatience is considered a no-no in this whole “law of attraction” concept. And so is anxiety. Which pretty much is a sign of mistrust, right? Because if I really trusted you, I would just sit back and relax, KNOWING that good things will come to me, within divine timing.

It’s just… I’m new to this. Can’t you help me out a little? Give me some hints that all will be fine? I’m not so good at it yet. Should I go ahead and schedule a D&C, or just let time pass along and let nature take it’s course? But don’t forget: the longer I wait, the closer I’m getting to an emergency operation. It's almost like gambling, isn't it, this LOA stuff. I’ll leave it up to chance you a little longer. I asked you specifically (and often) to let me miscarry naturally. So, what's the hold up? Actually, now that I'm really honest with you: I initially asked you for a healthy baby, or two. But I guess even you have plan B’s, right, Universe? In all fairness, don’t you at least “owe” me my natural miscarriage now? Please don’t let me go into that operation room again. Oh shit… I did it again: just broke another law. "Don’t ever say what you DON’T want, say what you DO want". I’m so confused. I guess I want a healthy happy baby. But for now I’ll take the natural miscarriage. Can you still follow me, dear Universe? No wonder it’s not working between us yet.

And about our housing situation… should I start making a plan B, just in case? After all, it’s almost summer.  We almost need to be out of this house and I do have a family to take care of. I’m struggling here: what is it that you want from me exactly? Keep having faith or make a plan B? Plan B is for losers, I get that. Plan B is for "in case you don’t have enough trust". I read of people who are so good at this Law of Attraction stuff, they don’t even have a health insurance. Because they only attract good health, never any accidents of course either. Wow. How do they do it? Will I ever be that good at creating what I want?

I’m not asking for a whole lot. I guess, right now, I am just asking for some signs. Am I on the right path? How am I doing so far with this LOA? Can you at least tell me what is happening with my body? My family also wants to know when they can stop tip-toeing around me.

And will you come through with a new home for us? Is it too much to ask to just speed it up a little? You have connections, right? Can you call them? It would help my anxiety a lot if we can have this all squared away before I go visit my family in Holland (which, by the way, THANK YOU, did I thank you for that opportunity?). I don’t know if you keep a calendar, dear Universe, but I’m leaving on April 19^th.

And now that we’re at it… I want the new home to be a significant IMPROVEMENT from where we live now, by my taste and standards. In case you forgot what that means, I kindly refer you to my vision board again, dear Universe. It will give you a good idea of what I like. Also, it should be affordable for us (or you can raise my income, or both, you choose), close to town, the landlord should be easy as can be and the dog and cat should be allowed. I just want to make sure you don’t send me the dream home, but we can’t take it because of Ruby and Coco. It should be so awesome that we want to buy it, eventually. Oh, and by the way… we need at least 4 bedrooms. At least.

Are you still listening, dear Universe?

One more question. I hear about this technique called “acts of faith”. Meaning: I should start acting as if it was already happening to me. A fat person should already order a bikini and a single girl looking for a husband should already make space in her closet for “his” clothes. So, what can I do to get ready for all that good stuff coming my way? I won’t go as far as to start buying baby clothes just yet. That would be a long term shot, right? But perhaps it would be a good idea to start packing up the house already. Collect moving boxes? As if we’ll be out of here next month? Should I start designing invitations for a housewarming party?

Can you give me an answer? Any hints? Yes? No? Are acts of faith powerful, or just silly? Is it just common sense to start thinking plan B and ask my mother if my old room is still available? Or can I really trust you and should I just KNOW that all is well.

Here’s the deal. I’ll give this Law of Attraction stuff another chance. I’ll work on my anxieties. I’ll demonstrate all the faith I can find. I’m really depending on you. I will get those moving boxes already. I’ll start packing. I’ll start visualizing all the great parties we’re giving in our new spacious yard. You come through with the perfect home for us, speedy-fast.

I'm glad we talked. So, we’re cool, right?