happinessoverhaul

The struggles of real life getting in the way...

I know.... it's "Tool Tuesday". But who really cares? I had planned to show you my slideshow vision board and a tutorial on how to make your own.
But here's the deal: I worked on it until 4.00 am last night (I kid you not!) and when I was finally ready to put my order in with the Universe done the "convert to youtube movie" button had disappeared. So I can't actually show you.
I have this software for years, all I did was upgrade for another $29 so I could have a better, newer version. I am so bummed. I want the Universe to start conspiring on my behalf NOW. No time to loose!

My new butt.

In an ultimate attempt to lift my mood this weekend, I decided to work on that vision board. Will you beIieve I spent over 20 hours on it and I am still NOT done? It took me hours to find just the right pictures. I searched the web as if my life depended on it. (And in a way, I actually think it does. After all, I want the Universe to know EXACTLY what it is that I want. I mean, if I say "dream house", does the Universe know my dream house is light and bright, spacious, with a huge yard and several fireplaces? I don't want to take any risks...).

Exhibit A (this stuff does work, I'm just using it wrong)

Feeling this negative and blue… it was only a matter of time before I would start attracting more negative things into my life, right? The real estate agent of our landlord just called (the house we rent is on the market) and tomorrow there will be a house showing.
It could not have been a worse time. It’s the end of winter, we need a good ole’ fashioned weekend-long spring cleaning. Getting rid of stuff. You know… somewhere in March the rest of the family helps. Not this afternoon! Not alone! Now besides having cramps of miscarrying, I'm also having conniptions and stress because I’ll need to bend over backwards to get this place representable within 24 hours, while all I want to do is sulk some more and walk around in my husband's oversized bathrobe in the middle of a weekday. I was only planning on getting dressed to pick up my daughter from school. Possibly making an emergency stop for more M&M's.

Oh... who am I kidding?

• I so ate the M&M's. 
• I drank wine.
• I cried and cried some more. Then I yelled at my husband and blamed him for my stagnant life.
• I moped around the house all day.
• I googled "blighted ovum" and recurrent miscarriage and other sad stories of other sad women, until I reached the very last page of the world wide web
• I cried some more.
• I tortured myself by thinking of all the babies born to friends in the last few years, while I was having five flippin’ miscarriages in a row.
• I felt really sorry for myself that all my friends are going away for the winter break next week, while I am left behind on this God-forgotten island with nothing to look forward to
• I deeply hated my blog all of a sudden. I don't want to ‘try to be happy’ and I don't want feel committed to anything. I just want to feel miserable. 
• Then I cried some more, because really... nobody even bothers to read this blog anyway.
• I cried some more.
• I fell asleep at 9.00 pm drained and exhausted.
• I didn't brush my teeth. After all those M&M's.

Tool Tuesday: EFT (or: how to feel better without eating all the M&M's)

I had disappointing news today. I know, I know... this is a negative statement. 

“Isn't this blog all about you being positive, Jess, and about making happy changes because you are going to be so annoyingly positive all the time, so you can prove to us that it works? That if you just talk positive, think positive and expect positive, you will GET positive?”

That’s what it’s supposed to be about. But I am only human, just starting on this path of improvement and there will be trial and error. So, unless you have a more positive way to phrase the above message, I really don’t know how to avoid the negativity.

I had another ultrasound today. The hormones are still going up, my body is playing all sorts of tricks on me (complete with a morning sickness and fatigue) and to be honest… the psychics words did me in: I was hopeful again. I called the doctor and she agreed I needed another ultrasound today, to see if the empty sac was now actually showing signs of a growing baby.