Today I miscarried. Most likely, that is.
Here's a concept I struggle with: where does miscarriage fit in with the Law of Attraction? Is it my own fault if something I want with all my heart and soul, still goes wrong? Time and again?
Yes, I guess, if you look at the basic principles:
1. What you focus most of your attention on - whether positive or
negative, and whether you want it or not - is what you attract to
yourself, to your experience. In other words, you attract what you
think about;
2. You attract to you energy which is of a similar vibration. 'Like Energy' attracts 'Like Energy' . So if you get up on the wrong side of the bed, all grumpy, you can count on it that today you will miss the bus, find out at the super market check out that you forgot your wallet and when you come home the cat has puked on the sofa).
I really struggle with this. I don't just mean the miscarriages. I mean, with the deeper explanation behind it.
Today I learned from the doctor that I will miscarry in the next few days, if I haven't already. She said with 75% certainty this pregnancy is no longer viable. How is that for planting a negative seed in your head? And how come I even reached this stage - again - where instead of congratulations (as visualized!) I once again received pity looks and tissues to blow my nose in?
Did I manifest it? Is it my own mistake creation?
Let's rewind for a second, shall we. Since we are only just getting to know each other here, you probably don't even know that I have lost 4 pregnancies in the last 2 years. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you will never know how painful, soul crushing and faith shaking it is.
So, after we completely drained ourselves emotionally, spiritually (and in my case: physically), my husband and I decided to take a break from the family expansion plan. Actually, this was mostly my husband's decision. I just had to go along with it. After all, it takes two to tango. But after a few months "on break" I noticed that he was right, it was healing and good for us to reconnect without the purpose driven intercourse and the monthly disappointments. We were playful again.
And what will you know? About 10 days ago I had this strong sense that I might be pregnant. No specific reason. We surely weren't trying (we were actually avoiding, if you must know). I wasn't having any strong urge to eat pickles either. I just 'knew'.
The test was indeed positive. The Superbowl was on. I immediately poured my glass of wine in the sink. Neither my husband or I were overly excited. We knew all to well where the last 4 pregnancies had led us. Nowhere.
But this time around I was convinced that I got all the principles of the Law of Attraction down! I might not consciously have asked for this pregnancy, but hey... there is still this thing called "God's will", right?
So I went in this new adventure with THE. MOST.POSITIVE.ATTITUDE you can imagine. I kept my cool, didn't allow myself to think about tomorrow, I was just grateful for each day that went well. I did not allow my mind to go anywhere negative. If the slightest feeling of doubt or fear came up, I instantly caught myself and replaced it with positive affirmations and happy thoughts of the smell of baby shampoo, my daughter reading a book to her sibling or me eating a whole pint of ice cream because I will be big soon anyway.
But it didn't help. Yesterday I started bleeding. I didn't panic. Instead I doubled up on my positive thinking, on my happy energy, on my believe that the Universe conspires on my behalf. And just in case, I threw in some old fashioned prayers too.
You would think that would help, right. Well, it didn't. I was called in for an ultrasound. They didn't see any proof of a pregnancy. Even though my hormone levels were very high. With hormone levels that high, they should have seen something. Instead: nothing. Not even an empty sac. Now... YOU try to stay positive through all this. Talking the talk is much easier than walking the walk. I threw in the towel. I broke down. In the tiny little ultrasound room where I had broken down many times before.
So. After all the crying, screaming and feeling sorry for myself, I am now left with nothing but a whole bunch of frustration. I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault. Did I not send out the right vibrations? Don't I want it enough (I beg to differ!). I mean, I hear of people on their death bed who can heal themselves, all with the power of their mind, the power of their feelings. But me, I just gave up. I started sobbing. What good did that do me? Should I still hang on to the tiniest spark of hope? Despite all the signs against me. The bleeding, the ultrasound, the cramping. I just can't. The disappointment will only be bigger.
I wish I never knew of the law of attraction. Now on top of everything else, I feel guilty.
And then there is this: how much of our lives is determined by the law of attraction, and how much of it is just "bad luck", "God's will" or "the Law of Karma". Not ALL of our lives can be created by the law of attraction. I need a root canal. Did I "ask" for that too? I don't think so!
Seriously, where does suffering fit in? A friend of mine recently had a beautiful baby boy, but he was born with hearing difficulties. Born with it, people. He didn't even have time to think about his ears, let alone attract this disability into his young life. If EVERYTHING in our life's is the result of our previous thoughts, than, who attracted it? Surely not the cute baby (come on, in the womb?). My friend? She is devastated.
And here's another thing that really bothers me, all of a sudden: according to the law of attraction you can reverse any physical condition back to health. So, are they saying my friend single-handedly can heal her son, just by sending the right vibes, thoughts and positive emotions to the Universe? Could I still 'save this pregnancy by focusing on that 25% chance, in the same manner? Can a person fly, if he just wants it passionately enough?
I just don't think so. Not now. Not today. Not in this emotional state. My feelings are real and raw and I need go through it, rather than denying it. Even if feeling bad means that I might attract a flat tire tomorrow. I probably won't even come out of bed anyway.
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